Percy Jackson: Super-Duper Assassin-Angel of Chaos
by Pusillanimity
Summary: Can OmegAlpha: Void Edition, and his crew of the Chaotic Cretins save planet Earth from the hands of the evil, sinister Order? Featuring glitter monsters and mistaken identities, this parody of the cliche we all know and despise, features bipolar primordials, a terrorist joke, and ridiculously long tangents about relations.
1. Chapter 1

The best thing about this is I can just make this and leave it here.

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><p>A figure was standing on the crest of the hill on which Thalia's Pine stood. The sun was rising behind it, silhouetting the figure in a totally-awesome way that should be used in a picture.<p>

The figure was Phil, Percy Jackson's mother's brother's nephew's step-step-sister-in-law's dog's former owner's father's co-worker's pet goldfish's minion's family's butler's third-point-fourteenth cousin removed negative six times. He was also, y'know, Percy's half-brother by Poseidon, but that obviously didn't mean much compared to the other thing.

Phil flipped his hair dramatically, as he strode down the hill. His totally-rad sword was glistening with the blood of a monster that didn't bleed. It was a gift from Poseidon, made from the hardest metal in the universe, forged by harder hammers made out of rubber ducks.

Annabeth took one look at Phil and yelled out loud, "I'm going to leave my boyfriend whose fatal flaw is loyalty, and who had jumped into Tartarus for me, who I have known for several years now, and have spent several years building a relationship with for this random scrawny stranger that any of us could beat, even if we were blind and tied up!"

Percy's friends all gathered around Phil, who was completely scrawny and had a bad hair-do and had a mild case of acne, who Percy could totally beat in a fight with his eyes tied behind his back and his hands closed.

Phil immediately challenged Percy for Counselor of the Poseidon Cabin, without any experience what-so-ever (the sword came with the cool bloodstain). Percy promptly beat him down, but Poseidon and the rest of the Gods came down from Olympus.

Poseidon proclaimed, "Phil is going to be the new Counselor for the Poseidon Cabin, because Percy is a cheater! Also, Percy is not my son! The Maury Show is a lie!"

Zeus also proclaimed, "Phil is also a Hero of Olympus, and we're taking Percy's title away for being a dirty cheater even though he did nothing of the sort!"

Everyone at Camp Half Blood began treating Percy like trash, which quite literally involved some of the Ares kids throwing him into the trash bins.

Eventually, fed up with Phil, Percy began packing his stuff up. He left behind nothing but a note, explaining why he left. The note read, I hate you all. I'm going to leave. Hate, Percy.

Percy, with one last dramatic look at Camp, left for good, vowing never to come back, unless he was the second-most powerful being in the universe, when a more powerful being than the most powerful being in the universe which didn't count, and for some reason, only Percy could fight, dramatically, while alone.

After a brief stint with living with his mom, he decided that he was going to roam the country looking for a new purpose. He briefly became a street musician, but gave up after people started throwing rocks at him for trying to play the mayonnaise on top of the Statue of Liberty.

He also became roommates with a badger, but left that after the badger stole all of his money and lost it while gambling in Las Vegas.

Percy was eventually down on his luck, in a cabin somehow in the middle of nowhere, and was about to die from like, fifty-bajillion monsters that were left after he killed the 100-bajillion they came with, when a powerful being came down.

It was Chaos, the creator of the universe! Chaos spoke, "I am looking for an assassin who doesn't actually assassinate people, but you know, the title sounds cool. My chosen one will get an awesome pair of wings and stuff."

Percy knelt and looked up at Chaos. "I accept. Also, I will bring Silena Beauregard, Beckendorf, Zöe Nightshade, and Bianca Di'Angelo back to life, even though I hardly knew any of them except for Beckendorf, and even then I'm grasping at straws with that dude. I may have forgotten his name along the way."

Chaos spoke again, "Rise then, and I will name you some cool name like, Void, or maybe a letter in either the Greek or English alphabet." Chaos then looked down at Percy.

"Oh my gods, I am so sorry. This is awkward now. I was looking for your mother's brother's nephew's step-step-sister-in-law's dog's former owner's father's co-worker's pet goldfish's minion's family's butler's third-point-fourteenth cousin removed negative six times. Phil," he/she/it/they said.


	2. Chapter 2

The previous chapter was actually meant only to be a one-shot, however, due to unexpected requests to continue, here's another chapter. I'm planning, what, three, four chapters total in this?

Also, for the record, Chaos and Khaos are a single entity. Their voices sound different, granted that it's only noticeable over a period of long exposure (and I mean long for Primordials, which means only Chaos and Khaos will be able to tell their voices apart, and the only way for Percy to tell them apart would be to understand how each act.)

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><p>"What do you mean you were looking for Phil? He's a terrible fighter and he stole my life!"<p>

"Yes, but Phil is going to be chosen as my champion.," Khaos said.

"Phil didn't kill like half of those monsters before you showed up," Percy pointed out.

"I'd hardly say half. Maybe a quarterish?" Chaos argued.

"Okay, I'll go down to a third," Percy negotiated.

"It does not matter, you insignificant mortal! Take me to the one called 'Phil'-" Khaos agreed

"Why should I care where Phil is? He's taken everything from me," Percy spat.

"Ooh, you've got some pent-up rage in you, boy! Looks like I'll be taking you instead," Chaos said.

"What? Why would I want to go with you?" Percy asked.

"Well, for starters," Khaos said, "You'll get to figure out why I keep switching from 'K' to 'C.'"

"What do you mean by that?" Percy questioned.

"And you'll figure that out too! Plus, you get a pair of wings!" Chaos said.

"Alright I'm in, I guess. I've got nothing better to do," Percy said finally.

"Then, we go! Prepare to be teleported faster than the Gods themselves could even dream of!" Khaos said.

"Wait, I thought only Gods could telepor-" Percy asked, before getting sucked into a giant blue laser beam that magically launched them into Chaos' home planet.

"Welcome to my planet, young demigod," Khaos said with a royal air to himself.

Percy gestured wildy at Chaos, trying to get her to notice that his face was on the wrong side of his head, his left and right feet had traded places, and also his appendix was gone.

Khaos turned to Percy, "Are you not amazed demigod?" He asked in an angry tone, before calming down.

Chaos smiled, "Oh, silly me, I forgot you were a mortal. Let me just fix this and this... Done!" She clapped her hands triumphantly.

Percy patted himself all over to make sure he was all together again. "What in Hades was that?" He asked incredulously.

"It was the power of Khaos! If I had been going at full speed, you wouldn't have even made it past the Solar System!"

"The Solar System? Where in the world are we?" Percy asked.

"The world? You're asking the wrong questions! You're looking for the universe, kiddo!" Chaos laughed.

"Okay, well where in the universe are we, Chaos?" Percy questioned.

"I will be addressed as 'Lord Khaos' if you want to live for the next ten seconds," Khaos growled.

Percy held his hands up in defense. "I apologize Lord Khaos, I didn't know," he told the primordial.

"'Lord Khaos?' He's gone. I'm Lady Chaos," Chaos said to him.

"Lady Chaos? But you just said-" Percy protested.

"Silence fool! Do you wish me to smite you on the spot?" Khaos glowered.

Percy shook his head frantically while backing up slowly, "No, no! Just uh, induct me into your army-thing and we can move on!"

"Of course! I hereby induct you as a member of the Chaotic Cretins!" Lady Chaos announced.

"What? Did you just say Chaotic Cretins?" Percy questioned in disbelief.

"And I induct you into the Khaos Corps!" Khaos boomed regally.

"Oh, uh, okay. Is that all, or do we start training now, or-" Percy asked.

"Nope! Not one bit! You still need your wings, right?" Chaos pointed out.

"I guess I do," Percy said, "But I'm not so sure-"

"Nonsense, he does not need wings! He needs a suit of armor!" Khaos argued.

"What? You just said-" Percy pointed out.

"Fine, well, I'm adding the wings and you add your armor. Close your eyes Percy!" Chaos demanded.

Unsure of what was going on, he closed his eyes as asked. Of course, he immediately blacked out, while the bipolar primordial went to work.

When the world decided to come back into focus, Chaos was arguing with themself.

"He looks like a fool!" Khaos shouted.

Lady Chaos spat back, "We could've easily matched, but nooo, he had to have the skull battlesuit."

"The battlesuit serves a purpose! The wings serve only as a foolish prop," Khaos pointed out.

"Nonsense," Lady Chaos retorted, "The wings make him fly! The suit is just a hunk of metal!"

"It's not just metal! It's a limited edition X-22 Omega Model V, that can hold up to a twenty-seven megaton nuclear bomb without even scratching!"

"You wouldn't have to hold up against a bomb if you could just fly away!"

Percy cautiously raised his hand, "Uh, excuse me? Why can't we have both?"

Both Khaos and Lady Chaos spoke at the same time, "Because it looks ridiculously stupid!"

"Well, how about we cycle it? Every hour it cycles between Chaos' and Chaos' styles," Percy suggested.

Lord Khaos protested this decision, "Then it's always her turn!"

"You know very well what I meant," Percy said.

Chaos replied, "Of course I do! You gave me two turns!"

"What's the difference between Chaos and Chaos?" Percy asked.

"One's got a 'K' and the other has a 'C' and you still used two 'C's," Lord Khaos said.

"Okay, just replace one of the Chaoses with a K Chaos," Percy said.

"That works fine for me," Lady Chaos said.

Lord Khaos said, "It works fine for me as well. Who goes first?"

"Let's flip a coin!" Lady Chaos said.

Khaos replied, "We both know how that would turn out."

Lady Chaos stopped for a moment, and shivered, "Right. Can't forget that."

"Well, let me just choose and since I can't tell the difference, it'll work," Percy said.

"I guess that'll work," Lord Khaos said.

"Agreed," Lady Chaos nodded.

"Okay. Uh, I pick Chaos," Percy said.

"No!" Lord Khaos shouted in despair.

"Yes! I win!" Lady Chaos jumped in joy, before waving her hand over Percy and transforming his armor.

"You look absolutely ridiculous Sea-Spawn," Lord Khaos commented.

"Well, what do I look like?" Percy inquired.

Lady Chaos laughed, "Look for yourself."

Percy waited for a solid minute for one of the Chaoses to summon a mirror.

"Oh, right, mortal. Mirror in a moment," Lady Chaos said, before waving her arm over by Percy once more.

When he looked in the mirror, he gasped and fainted. It was easy to see why, from Lord Khaos' perspective. The X-22 Omega Model V was painted bright pink, with sparkles and a white trim on it. The rocket launchers, instead of leaving a death-green poisonous fog trail left a sparkly rainbow trail, and the emblems were changed from a skull to a unicorn.

"Oh my me," Khaos muttered, before flashing out to set up the training course.


	3. Chapter 3

**Just curious, would anyone here want to see a non-typical Chaos story? That is, no betrayal, no second-most powerful being in the universe, no Artemis and Percy pairing, no evil stepbrother/new kid who manages somehow, to wreck Percy's life, etc.**

**Also, a note I feel worth mentioning, Chaos stories have a LOT of potential if people stopped writing "and then he com bak 2 erth and evry1 luv him!1" and instead wrote about how he trained, his missions, and I dunno, maybe gave him a space pirate crew.**

**After all, it's hardly a story if you know everything that's going to happen, and there are no twists and turns.**

**Late night addition: Why the heck is the Order fellow trying to murder everyone? Like, is he just doing it for the lulz? Did he get up one morning and decide, "I'm bored. Let's go destroy earth."**

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><p>Khaos flashed them into the throne room, where a deep black throne sat, with a dark purple carpet leading up to it.<p>

"As my champion-angel-assassin-prince dude, you have magical powers now, and you get to pick a crew out of some dead people," he said.

"Awesome! I'm going to ignore several thousand years of Greek Heroes and instead go for some people who I'm not quite sure are competent for being super-murder-machines," Percy clapped eagerly.

"I will choose Beckendorf, because I actually felt kind of like a dirtbag for leaving him on the ship, and he's actually really cool," Percy said, "and then-"

"Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah," Chaos said, "Who said you could pick multiple people? Oh well, why not."

"Alrighty, I pick Bianca as well, even though her story is over, she's already been reborn, and Nico doesn't hate my guts for her death anymore, and she's hardly had any training," Percy decided.

"Mmhm," Khaos encouraged, "Go on boy."

"I pick Zöe Nightshade, even though she hated my guts for most of that trip and literally started being nice to me because I gave up an awesome bullet proof coat," He mentioned, "And finally, I pick Silena Beauregard even though she has no combat skills of worth, nor any espionage skills or really anything useful like charmspeak. I mean like, I know she betrayed us once, but she and Beckendorf are such a _cuuuute_ couple."

"And finally, I pick Luke Castellan, who got a cop out and became a hero after causing so much pain and destruction, and even though pretty much everyone's forgiven him, they're going to be angry once we inexplicably come back to earth."

"Alright good. We'll give those guys cool code-names later. Meanwhile, we must officially place you as the Champion-Assassin-Angel-Prince of Chaos," Chaos said, while the collective shell that housed the consciences of Chaos and Khaos stood in front of a kneeling Percy.

"I, Khaos, Creator of the Universe, bestow unto Perseus Jackson the duties that comes with becoming the Champion-Assassin-Angel-Prince of Khaos," Khaos said.

Chaos continued where her counterpart left off, "You shall be an instrument of our will, but the readers will get like, a five hundred year time skip and will rarely, if ever, get a glimpse of what you do until my evil twin brother comes back."

"You will be the second-most powerful being in existence, except for the aforementioned evil twin brother, who doesn't really count," Khaos announced.

Chaos proclaimed, "And from this point on, you are no longer 'Peter Johnson-'"

"Psst..." Percy whispered, "It's Percy Jackson."

Khaos cleared his throat, "I said that. You are no longer 'Percy Jackson,' instead, you will now be known as OmegAlpha: Void Edition."

"Rise, my peasant-underling," Chaos ordered, "And let us assemble your team of people you vaguely knew."

Khaos snapped his fingers, and poof, the team arrived.

Well, their corpses arrived.

In the case of Zöe, it was just a pile of glitter, but nevertheless, the pile of dead sparkly people who were not Edward Cullen was a disturbing sight.

"Oh crap, crap crap, forgot to do the bring-back-to-life spell, craaaaaaap," Chaos complained.

Khaos mentally facepalmed his alter ego and then brought the dead people, along with the pile of glitter, back to life.

"What the heck is this giant person-shaped glitter monster doing?" Percy asked incredulously.

"Well, I mean like, it's not like your Zöe friend had a corpse or anything, she's a bunch of stars, so we just kind of rolled with this," Chaos explained.

"Well, can you make her back into a corpse and then bring her to life?" Percy questioned.

Khaos pointed out, "Well, it's not like people are going to notice a constellation just disappeared."

"Eh," Percy shrugged, "They'll probably say it was global warming or something."

"Well, alright," Chaos said. She brought a corpse of Zöe into the room and breathed life into it.

"There we are," She said triumphantly, "and can we keep the glitter monster?"

The group, including the newly alive, gave a collective sigh.

"Alright guys," Percy addressed his team, "I'm making a super-powered team, but for some reason we all need code names. I am OmegAlpha: Void Edition, and I will be giving the rest of you code-names.

"Beckendorf, you will be Forge, or Black-Smith, or something like that. Maybe even Blazemaster version 420. Nobody'll ever know it's you," He said.

"Silena," he told the daughter of Aphrodite, "You will be Lovey-Dovey Backstabber. I think it perfectly reflects your personality without giving up too much."

"Zöe will be uh, Silver Sparkle Sister. I feel like that's be a good fit for her," he said.

"Bianca, let's get serious. I knew you for all of about three or four days. You can pick between Cannon-Fodder, The Fist of Allah, or I don't know, Poison or something."

"Finally, Luke Castellan," Percy addressed his former arch-nemesis, "You will be... Beta."

"Oh thank gods," the Son of Hermes breathed in relief.

"Just a question," Beckendorf asked, "But do we all have to wear armor and get wings like yours?"

"Oh gods no," Zöe gasped in horror, while Silena clapped her hands in glee.


	4. Chapter 4

Operation Non-Cliche Chaos is a go.

Working Summary: Percy thought that he'd never see a god die. He thought he'd never see the world he once knew fade. He thought that things like this could never happen. Can a Mad god and their champion return things to what they once were?

(Story will use elements from this, albeit very few, [though I absolutely love the name "The Fist of Allah," and Chuck {You'll find out who chuck is at the end}])

P.S. For anyone who didn't understand "The Fist of Allah," that was totally a terrorist joke. (I wrote that joke a month ago and I'm still snickering at it).

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><p><strong>A Decent Amount of Time Later, Like, Maybe 500 Years or So:<strong>

The Chaotic Cretins were training for their next mission. They had just gotten back from doing something, who the heck cares, when Chaos summoned them all to them.

"Yes, Khaoses?" They asked in unison.

Lord Khaos spoke to them, "Y'know how you all hate Earth?"

"Yeah!" OmegAlpha: Void Edition answered.

She rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly, "Well, my evil twin brother is going to try to conquer the world. Heck if I know how or why."

"What? I don't want to go back to Earth, they can all die for all I care," He said.

"Yeah! I mean like, they actually haven't done anything to me, but they hated Percy!" Bianca agreed.

The various team members chorused their agreement, save for one person.

"I actually have no problem with those guys," Luke admitted.

He received questioning looks from everyone, considering he was the one out of the group to go onto a world-domination scheme.

"What?" He asked, "It's not like the author kept everyone alive who was there while we were, for no well explained reason other than to attempt to create some tension between the crew and the Earthlings, which wouldn't even be executed very well."

"He agreed, now you go to Earth," Khaos said.

"Wait wait, hold up," Beckendorf paused, "Why can't you come with us? I mean like, we're practically Gods, your evil twin brother is getting involved, so why the heck can't you get involved?"

"Meh, I'm just not up for it," explained Lady Chaos, "Now, off you gooooooooo!"

After a Willy-Wonka-esque acid boat trip teleportation, the team ended up in the Olympus throne room, with a blinding light and some awesome music playing in the background.

The Chaotic Cretins descended from the heavens above the heavens, expecting Zeus to question who they were and what they were doing interrupting his council meeting.

Of course, now of all times, the throne room was empty.

"Are you kidding me? It took me five hours to learn those moves," Bianca complained.

"Those choreographers are tougher than they look," Silena agreed.

Percy groaned. "All right guys. Let's just go back to-"

The council walked in, interrupting him mid-speech.

Apollo was chatting amiably to Artemis, while she was doing none of the sort. Athena and Poseidon were arguing about whether octopi were under Poseidon as aquatic creatures or Athena as intelligent ones, along with the proper pluralization of "octopuses."

The rest of the council was probably doing something interesting, but those were the Gods OmegAlpha: Void Edition could see.

Poseidon pointed and said, "Intruders! Spys!" only to receive a slap on the back of the head from Athena.

"It's 'spies' not 'spys' you bumbling oaf," she scolded.

The Chaotic Cretins used this opportunity to hide behind a throne made out of porcelain, which had a bowl as a seat.

"Uh, dudes and dudettes, chillax," Apollo said, "Let's just get this show on the road. I've got some flying ponies to attend to."

Zeus called the meeting to order, ignoring a confused Poseidon's "but-b-b-but's."

Halfway through the meeting, The Commander of the Cretins made a complicated hand gesture including flapping his arms around and squawking like a bird.

Beta took a look at him and attempted to translate the cryptic message.

"Right. Okay. Uh-huh. Got it" he nodded, feigning understanding.

Silver Sparkle Sister looked at him curiously, asking "You know what he was saying?"

His face turned red, originally thinking he wouldn't get called out. "Uhm... Something with ducks. And I think you're supposed to make out with me?"

"That's a pile of pegasus poo," Silver Sparkle Sister called out.

"Hey, who's the guy that translated it? Me," Beta boasted.

"Guys! I said, do they sky thing again!" OmegAlpha whispered. The Fist of Allah, Lovey-Dovey Backstabber, and Blazemaster version 420 are already in position.

"Can you repeat that?" Beta asked.

"I said, take it from the top!" OmegAlpha ordered.

"What?" Beta asked again.

"He said-" began Silver Sparkle Sister, before getting cut off by her commander.

"I said," the Assassin/Angel/Prince/Champion/Unicorn of Chaos yelled, "Do the sky thing again!"

Poseidon pointed at them and said, "See! I told you! Spys!"

"I told _you_ that it was 'Spies,'" Athena retorted.

"Schist! Go, go, go!" OmegAlpha: Void Edition commanded.

The team teleported to the heavens and flew down, with the sound of trumpets heralding their arrival. Weapons gleamed, armor shined, and kittens meowed as the Cretins descended upon the gods.

Dionysus held up a sign that said 10/10, Apollo held up a sign that said 11/10, and Athena, being a grouch, held up a 9.62685/10.

"Bravo, Bravo!" Poseidon said, clapping his hands.

OmegAlpha took a bow, along with the rest of the Chaotic Cretins.

After their scene, Zeus thundered "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

OmegAlpha cleared his throat and began,

"We are the Chaotic Cretins!" He proclaimed.

Silver Sparkle Sister continued, "An expert team, yet to be beaten!"

"Prepare yourselves for the greatest heroes that have ever been!" Beta shouted.

The Fist of Allah took it from there, saying "There are tons of trouble you all and the world are in!"

"The Chaotic Cretins are here to win!" Blazemaster version 420 yelled.

Lovey-Dovey Backstabber finished, "So here we are, a product of your sins!"

Apollo gave a thumbs up.

"The Olympians will handle things," Zeus ordered, "We do not need your help!"

"Oh, but your troubles are far worse than you've ever faced before," OmegAlpha: Void Edition said.

"So, what makes you stronger than us to be able to face it? We are Gods!" Zeus countered.

"We were hand-selected by Chaos themselves!" Beta replied.

"Well, not really. It was just me. I picked you guys up just because," the commander said.

"Not really," Chaos said, "I was looking for Phil."

"Shut up! He's dead anyways," Percy pointed out.

"Oh, are we talking about Phil?" Poseidon said, "He was like, my second-favorite son. I wish I could take back everything I said about Percy. But y'know, even though Phil was the cause for all of Percy's troubles, we still made him immortal, just 'cuz."

"Oh yeah, totally. We made all the campers immortal. For no real good reason. Just because," Apollo said.

_I would so lose my several-thousand year oath for Percy if he came back,_ thought Artemis. _Although, I totally want to bang with this new guy, but I don't at the same time._

"So, who are all of you individually? I mean like, we know your group name, but what are your names?" Athena asked curiously.

"I'm OmegAlpha: Void Edition, and I'm the commander of the Chaotic Cretins. P.S. I hate all your guts except for Artemis, Hestia, and Hades, but I'm being a pansy and won't tell you why," the aforementioned Cretin said.

Aphrodite threw a rose at him, "Marry me!"

The rest of the Cretins mentioned themselves as well, each of them staring uncomfortably at their parent, or in Silver Sparkle Sister's case, patron.

"Okay, cool. So, who's the giant glitter monster?" Hermes asked.

"Oh, that's Chuck. Chuck is chill," The Fist of Allah said.

"Alright cool. So, even though we have no idea how you guys operate, we're sending you to Camp Half-Blood, which has conveniently merged with Camp Jupiter. That's okay though, because there's no way you could be those demigods/stars that randomly disappeared 500 years ago," Hermes said.

"Yeah, you guys look cool enough to be trainers," Apollo nodded.

At that moment, OmegAlpha's armor transformed into it's pink-sparkly state, as well as the rest of the Cretins'.

"Hah, losers. See you suckers later in an inevitable fight that starts because one of us gets too touchy-feely about our kids," Ares said, then shooed them away to Camp.


End file.
